Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
