I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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