Plan B is the new Plan A
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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