so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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