fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
