Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
