Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
