Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
