He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
