Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
