When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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