In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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