did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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