I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
