Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
