she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
