I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
