meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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