I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i would punch a child for taco bell
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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