I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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