All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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