Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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