this just has baby written all over it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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