the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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