I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
