i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.