The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.