I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
