Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
