When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
is it fun? or sober?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
