U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
