my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
