he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
