Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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