You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
