Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
