Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
