I cannot find my penis.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
