I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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