Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
