the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
