sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
