Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
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She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
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Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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