VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
