you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
