theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
