one two three fourrrrnication!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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