And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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