Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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