The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize