the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
