i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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