How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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