It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
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The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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