the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize