time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
