It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
