You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
