I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
