If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
