i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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